The Path and the Pilgrimage into Elderhood
I recently had another birthday. Yippee right? Well remember the slogan from the 60’s “never trust anyone over 30!” Who came up with that silliness anyway? Oh yeah, it was the Baby Boomers, my generation. My generation baby!
Recently in a conversation with a friend regarding a spouse entering into the challenging years of winter, it was clear that we Boomers are by in large unprepared for conversations and engagements with the realities surrounding the inevitabilities of aging. I recently read a tremendous book by Dr. Bill Thomas entitled Second Wind: Navigating the Passage to a Slower, Deeper, and More Connected Life. In it, Thomas offers deep insight to the postwar “Boomer” generation on facing their second coming of age. He sees this as a developmental opportunity to reshape our lives and our society. Thomas is at the forefront of a strong nationwide movement to reframe “life after adulthood” as an exciting stage of human growth and development.
In this book he explores the dreams and disappointments, the struggles, and triumphs of a generation of 78 million people who once said they would never grow old and as I alluded to above, never trust anyone over thirty. Instilled with the belief that they would always be Joni Mitchell’s “stardust,” we Boomers are having a much harder time transitioning into elderhood than previous generations. But the reality is that every 10.8 seconds an American turns sixty-five.
I deeply resonated with Thomas’ sociological read on the 60’s & 70’s. As the Post War generation entered adulthood, he saw three models of what an adult could be: hippies, activists, and squares—the “squares” model becoming the dominant model. Currently, many Boomers feel “stuck” inside the frenzied, performance-based, money-driven world that no longer suits them. But if they can learn to go slower, go deeper, and be more connected to themselves, their loved ones, and other members of their community, they can find the wisdom, happiness, and fulfillment that comes with a life that is in balance.
How does this massive group now use their accumulated wisdom and elderhood as a potent force for cultural renewal, connection, and deep healing? That is the question. As the great migration beyond midlife gathers momentum and scale, millions are looking for deeper meaning, more significant roles, and connections that span the generations—asking the question, “How do I live a life that still matters?”
What my Birthday Didn’t Do
There are times when I wish consciousness was a nob I could attenuate upon demand. I assumed that life’s challenges and the sense of personal limitations would be a non-issue at this stage of my life. Nope…ain’t gonna happen I am afraid. It appears that the soul yearns for wholeness regardless of age. One would think that getting older would ease this yearning but in truth it intensifies. How we experience this yearning depends in part on how inclined we have been in the past to address the “unknown” through the lens of the soul.
As many of us have seen in our own parents, the Reinhold Niebuhr’s serenity prayer tends to divide humanity right down the middle: those who lead by courage and those who lead by fear. Our foundational proclivity and “go to” disposition of the heart now surfaces in the dailiness of our sojourn and often dictates what we see or don’t see, hear or don’t hear, long for or abandon. However, the soul had no intention of entering this stage unprepared. We are indeed being summoned. We are naïve, however, if we believe our egos’ inclinations will acquiesce to this new truth in this liminal space of Inbetweeness i.e. this world and the next.
In the last few years the reality of my impending end has gone beyond a mere existential and intellectual possibility and become tangible and real. Some of my closest friends have prematurely passed into the next realm. Now, illness, slowness of body and brain carry with them an alarming rattle and hum that heretofore was inaudible. No longer am I deafened to this sound. I hear very well the resonance and reverberation of the slow decline.
Whereas, in the past, my external affirmations and ambitious busyness took power over the soul’s trajectory (and in some ways for the betterment of my life and the ones I love) now as this memory of youthful exuberance recedes, my desires to get it back can venture into folly. For the first time I am beginning to realize that the fantasies of youthfulness and immortality are just that.
We are naïve if we think the transition from realm to realm is naturally inclined towards our soul’s inherent sense of transcendence. The old Irish saying “heaven is always only a half an inch above our head” apparently names this needed awareness regarding this disposition of the soul. Spiritual maturity at this stage will require real growth on our part. All the blustery arrogance of youthful talent and our ability to “mimic” the masters now reveals what is left for our soul to embrace.
The emergence of the soul’s truest aspirations and callings now reveals the centrality of love in this brief residence we call “a life.” We wrestle like Jacob with the awareness of our incapacity to truly love others and ourselves. Forgiveness for others and for ourselves now becomes preeminent in our spiritual practices. Without it regret and woundedness prevail. Can we even enter this stage without access to the grace and love we will need to traverse this liminal space?
This stage surely demands a self-emptying and a willingness to admit what we do not know. I have often wanted to pen a book entitled The Theology of Everything I Don’t Know. It would be a massive volume.
So how can our spiritual maturity equip us to face our own unknowns? For some of us this is our first glimpse into the seeming void. However, this particular glimpse into the future’s unknowns can call out of us the deepest most resonant remaining hungers of our heart. I think this is why the phrase “the child is the father of the man” is so salient at this time in my life. In one of my poems “The Blessing & the Chair” I remembered my father’s grand anticipation of his crossing over. That day I laid him to rest I so powerfully remembered how his little boy heart had won out over all the damage and despair thrown at him throughout his life. His consistent spiritual practice to forgive and forge a new life now prepared him for a glorious reunion with all the goodness his soul’s imaginative heart could muster. This liminal space was a bridge and not an obstacle, an opening and not an obstruction. For him it became a symphony of welcoming.
So how do we welcome this new life stage as we prepare to be borne away? I believe that a part of our humanity is always walking through life in some kind of trance or an arbitrary in-between stage. We are awake on one level (the ego) but asleep at a deeper level (the soul). This stage calls out all our sleeping parts to awaken. I love the quote “Life is about losing everything gracefully.” So true.
Community – The Soul’s Ultimate Sacrament
More than ever the role and place of community reveals its importance in my life during this winter season. This stage can be an “age-ing or a sage-ing” time and only in community does our wisdom find its rightful query. Only in community does the freedom of heart and our acceptance of our limitations become a gift to those who still hunger for mastery. We become the community’s “hidden treasures” as Jean Vanier says,. “we become the contemplative heart of the community.” When youth seek certitude and expertise we become the sage who says, “I don’t know the answer to that but you are deeply loved.”
The Final Question(s)
I hope this post doesn’t come off maudlin or inordinately revealing of some deep strange wish for the end. Quite the contrary. The last or final questions really only make sense within community. To spiritually “live aging” I must walk alongside a storied people so my personal stories can take on the power of critical mass. I share a story and I hear another’s story. It is a reciprocal gift that passes from hand to heart.
We are on a path together especially those of us who deem ourselves Jesus followers but much like our ancient relatives and neighbors we are also on a pilgrimage. Here is for the long haul with those I love. The Father has saved the most important questions for last. I await them with anticipation and admittedly an ever-present unsureness. I do need His comforting presence.
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